I got this?

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am IMG_6703going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton – Thoughts in Solitude

I keep coming across this little ditty written by Merton, probably because it sits on my desk! It seems to be timeless for me, no matter what I’m going through or not going through, this speaks to me at all different points in my life.

At point’s in my life, I think I really did know where I was going and what I was doing. It seemed to be in the cards so to speak. However, after the proverbial apple cart went off track, I find that these words from Merton bring comfort. Some word groups that stand out to me…

Lord God, I have no idea, I don’t see, I cannot know. BUT I believe,I hope, I know, therefore I will not fear.  – Kim

When we ride the crest of the wave, it’s smooth and fast and awesome! Everything we touch is meant to be touched, and the wind feels so good against our skin. We have a look about us that commands others to ask, “what is it about them?”

All rides must come to an end. It’s a sad truth written somewhere I’m sure. When it happens, its earth shattering, well it shatters our little piece of earth anyway. We find ourselves in a strange place because our daily routine is gone, our sense of purpose is broken, and our ability to think and make decisions is way out of whack.

It takes time to stop spinning. We think we’re ready to put our feet back on the ground, but the floor keeps moving! We go to grab our boot straps to pull ourselves up by, but find we have no boots. We stick our arms out with fingers spread wide to try to grab a hold of whatever is going by, to slow us down.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me

That’s what I hold onto.

It’s really all there is.

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Friday Night Lights!

When Daddy was stationed in Hawaii, my sister and I got the opportunity to learn to ride horses. It was English saddle, so no horn to hold onto. Cute outfits with beautiful riding boots and cool hats with little whips. Even if the cute outfit part never happened, we did learn to ride.

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Jump ahead years, Preacher man and I were dating and went to a rodeo. That was when I figured out I was allergic to horses. My lungs shut down, can’t take in a full breath, sneezing and flat-out feeling like death was surly close at hand.

This is why I have stayed away from horses and horse activities, I try to die!

Few more years, we’re living in the huge state of Texas, it’s time for the Fort Worth Rodeo, so we go. Again, lungs shut down, the whole 9 yards.

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J, horse friend and nurse

Now, when you live in Texas, you either have a horse or you have horse friends. I have the later. Horse people do not understand non horse people and I’m ok with that. However, I have this one horse friend who is also a nurse in real life and she asked me a question that I slapped my forehead when asked. “Why don’t you take some Benadryl and bring your inhaler?”

Right?!

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So I did… I was able to stay in the arena for 2 hours.

I feel like I have arrived! I’m in Texas and can try to embrace the culture!

So Preacher man and I went to watch sorting. There are 10 calf’s that have numbers on their backs. The caller picks a number, 4, and two riders have to move the cows from one side to the other, one at a time, in order!  So 4, then 5, up to 9 then 0 and up to 4.

The part’s I love… It’s free and you can bring a cooler. The people aren’t uppity, nor do they treat you like dirt cuz you’re not on a horse. Kids are playing farm in the dirt, there are bathrooms, and a few cowboy hats but more ball caps.

All in all a good time! The best part way being able to pet the horses without falling out dead!

Texas….Your growing on me!

Where’s the…

So, have I told you what I do now? For a paycheck? It’s not who I am, or what I aspired to be. It’s what I do for a paycheck. I merchandise…I put stuff in its place and make it neat and organized so you as a customer want to buy it. That’s what they tell me but in truth, I do stuff that the store’s don’t want to be bothered with, or that their people can’t be trusted to do right or even do at all.

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On the food chain of a store, we are right above the folks that clean the parking lots in the dead of night, or at least this is how it feels someplace’s. This isn’t an easy place to be when you are high energy, gregarious, and simply loud and funny. But this is where I find myself, with my degrees and certifications, putting magazines where they belong and sticking coupons on “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”

My soul screams out for day’s of listening to the birds come awake in a dawn of the morning, and not having to rush away somewhere. I yearn to be at the Abby of Gethsemane with soul friends in silent retreat. I want to know what happened!

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That however, is not my lot in life, anymore anyway. So now I take what I know and what I’ve learned and I try to put it to use. I listen to the people in the back room as they start their day. I over hear your conversations as you stand in line with your children, or your husband or just by yourself.

I, for some reason, look like I work at every store I service, so people are forever coming up to me and asking me where the batteries are or if I could get someone to help them in jewelry or if we carry oil for vacuum pumps.

Here’s what I’m thinking. People always need help with something. Sometimes it’s with location of product, but sometimes it’s to just to be heard.

A lady picked up a magazine with a picture of a beautiful blue hydrangea on it. “That’s a gorgeous color!” I say in passing. “It was my mother’s favorite…” and I find that the Holy Spirit grabs a hold of my shoulder and slows me down to a stop.

My lesson: God is still using me, it just doesn’t look like it use to or how I thought it would look. I’m seeing that when God takes the time to fine tune you, he really does want to hear what sound you’ll make when plucked. So I encourage you to take the time.

 

 

Fine Tuning

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Why do we fight change so hard? Even when things are bad, we are reluctant to open our hands and let change happen. Part of my prayer everyday is “Your will Lord, not mine.” yet, do I practice that? I want to, but if I’m honest… not so much.

I find myself having a willing heart but my hands are clinging to anything that seems stable, even if it’s not the best for me, I still hold on.

I read a story this morning about a harpist tuning his harp. Kinda similar to the way God tunes us. God loves us with a huge love, but desires more and better for us. So we are tuned. It’s painful, when the key is turned and the string becomes tighter, but the sound it makes when played is purer.

So we hope that when our strings are struck, that the sound will be Christlikeness. This did not happen for me yesterday, and I am in anguish because I failed.

However, in my failing, I have examined and found that things are not as the always appear. The truth of the matter is if I will open my hands and let God take from me the things he wants to remove from my life, I will allow the tuning of my life.

The crazy thing about all this… If we allow this to happen, for God to tune us, the peace that follows is mind blowing.

So today, I choose to allow God to tune me for his song!

Hope

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It continues to amaze me how blessed I am. It also amazes me that I forget and complain so easily. I lost someone very dear to my heart this week. It was a blessing for them because the cancer had taken all but 65 pounds. That’s no way to live, that’s just existing.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and

why are you disquieted within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my help and my God. ~ Ps 42:11

Sometimes, that’s all we can do, Hope in God. Sometimes, it’s all we should be allowed to do. Because ‘we’ cannot fix it, so we might as well open our hands and stop holding on so damn tightly. God has this. He will make beauty out of our ashes, if we will but look up.

This is all part of the journey back to God. We have things we have to learn, things like true compassion, true friendship, empathy, turning the other cheek. You know, the hard stuff. Become humble! OMG that’s the hardest. People are proud of their pride.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry ~ Ps 40:1

Thanks for reading, oh, and be nice today to those around you. You never know how that action can bless someone.

Peace out

 

The story continues!

Come and listen to my story bout a man called Preacher man….

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I can honestly say that in all the years we’ve moved this was the funniest by far. The crazy thing is we still aren’t done.

Let me back up, we closed on the 21st and started moving on the 25th. Yes, that’s right, you are looking at our Christmas tree, so to speak. We planned on getting the rest of our things out of storage this past weekend and this happened…

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So, I really wish I could report that all is well and we are unpacking beautifully, but that isn’t the case. Also, starting tomorrow, we are having 3 trees taken down, IF the wind and storm on the way in doesn’t take them down first.

I can’t seem to get anything done except laundry and dishes, and that’s cuz I have machines to help me with that! Am I the only one that has a list as long as my arm and can’t get things marked off of it?

As I write, it’s 76 degrees. I went out and trimmed my rose bushes back because they are starting to bud. Also, on a real sad note, I think my lemon tree is dead. We had a cold snap and it got down to like 17. It’s just not looking like it’s going to make it. After the 5 moves that it lived through, it’s going to die cuz of a little cold snap!

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I’m excited about the POTUS elect Donald Trump! I listened to him today and can’t remember the last time I was more proud to be an American! Very excited! It’s going to be Huge!!

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This is my Bari twin sister from another mother! Lord, you can see my fillings! Another thing we have in common is our love of this…

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Peace out!