Strive to be the best you can be!
Wait, who is saying that? I look around and I am dumb founded that no one is fessing up.
Strive is right up there with struggle, contend, exert and try hard. Right now, that is about all I can do. I’m becoming friends with strenuous effort.
I don’t like it much, it wares me out and throws me into exhaustion. Everything seems to take so much energy.
Read today that no-one ever told us that grief was so much like fear. The feelings that come from fear, the nerves, flighty sensation, I carry a lot of that around with me now.
So, I pushed my body into pneumonia last week. Can’t say I’m proud, but I can say that I have been striving. I’ve been pushing through and making time and not resting. I keep thinking if I keep struggling and enduring then surely there will be rest. There isn’t.
I find myself propped up on smiles and knowing where the pimento are located. It’s like going into auto drive. So it was bound to happen. I was pushing my over loaded 8 tote cart down the freezer alley and Bam! I ran over this man. He yelled at me and cussed me and asked what in the hell was wrong with me! All I could do was say how sorry I was and that I didn’t do it on purpose, and all that was still not good enough for him.
This very man was standing at the self checkout lane when I walked by and motioned to me for help. I looked away but then directed my action to him. “Can you help me ring this up?” As I walked toward him, I thought surely he knows he just cussed me out, maybe I should ask him if he wants to yell some more crap at me? Nothing. No recognition that I could see. How do you do that? How do you chew into someone’s very soul and not know what you did?
There is this dance going on inside of me that brings me to tears almost everyday! I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know how long it’s going to stay. Sometimes the tears are a hiding place with enough agony on their own.