Strive?

IMG_8460Strive to be the best you can be!

Wait, who is saying that? I look around and I am dumb founded that no one is fessing up.

Strive is right up there with struggle, contend, exert and try hard. Right now, that is about all I can do. I’m becoming friends with strenuous effort.

I don’t like it much, it wares me out and throws me into exhaustion. Everything seems to take so much energy.

Read today that no-one ever told us that grief was so much like fear. The feelings that come from fear, the nerves, flighty sensation, I carry a lot of that around with me now.

So, I pushed my body into pneumonia last week. Can’t say I’m proud, but I can say that I have been striving. I’ve been pushing through and making time and not resting. I keep thinking if I keep struggling and enduring then surely there will be rest. There isn’t.

I find myself propped up on smiles and knowing where the pimento are located. It’s like going into auto drive. So it was bound to happen. I was pushing my over loaded 8 tote cart down the freezer alley and Bam! I ran over this man. He yelled at me and cussed me and asked what in the hell was wrong with me! All I could do was say how sorry I was and that I didn’t do it on purpose, and all that was still not good enough for him.

This very man was standing at the self checkout lane when I walked by and motioned to me for help. I looked away but then directed my action to him. “Can you help me ring this up?” As I walked toward him, I thought surely he knows he just cussed me out, maybe I should ask him if he wants to yell some more crap at me? Nothing. No recognition that I could see. How do you do that? How do you chew into someone’s very soul and not know what you did?

There is this dance going on inside of me that brings me to tears almost everyday! I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know how long it’s going to stay. Sometimes the tears are a hiding place with enough agony on their own.

Milestones

When Dee and I were little, there was a door frame in the house that had marks on it, or was it a wall? Anyway, mom would stand us up and put a mark on the wall where the top of our head came to. Ever so many months, she would do it again. When you stood back, it looked like a lot of lines on a wall, but we knew this was where we would go to see how much we had grown.

I also remember, first lost tooth, first bedroom all by myself, and turning into a teenagers. These are milestones, significant events or stages in life. These happen all through our life at different times and they almost feel like places where we can come to rest and remember.

My sister from another mister wisely told me that we would be looking at milestones a little differently now, we just needed to get to the next one. The first one we had to get to was the month after the accident, June 19th. The second one was the 4th of July. In between, you may have had a birthday or a graduation or a wedding. I told Maximus on his birthday that I hoped he rejoiced at the land mark he had just reached. I didn’t mean rejoice, as in be happy, I meant more like rejoice, you lived through it. It was a milestone that had been reached without Sylvia.

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We will get through this, it’s not going to be pretty, enjoyable, convenient, or easy, but we will come out the other side. I believe one of the key’s to going through these milestones might simply to be gentle with yourself. To allow the tears to come and to just sit with the rush of emotion. We’ll have to surrender to it sooner or later, so just breath.

In my head, I have some of these milestone chiseled out, and some, I’m sure will just hit me like a freight train without me even thinking about them or taking notice of them until it’s too late. When these moments in time happen and we live through it, take time to rest and remember.

We all have grown since May 19th… it hasn’t been real graceful or pretty, but we made it through. We are starting to see the lines on the wall that let us know how much we’ve grown.

 

 

Let us Run!!!!!

As a runner, it’s important to keep up with where you are on your run. I don’t mean an address, I mean a physical position that’s connected to a time. “Where am I on this run? When I hit 1 mile, what’s my time?” Then I can see where I stand with myself. Do I need to pick up the pace?

Mainly, running is about a competition with yourself. Sure, it’s great to finish before other people, but that’s not what it’s about for me. In fact, I will purposely start in the back of the pack, right before the walkers, so I can have what’s called “clean air”. A place in the race where I can breathe, run my own race, not be touched. It’s important that I’m not touched.

Sylvia and I ran a race together on Thanksgiving some years back. I think it was the first real race she had run in, so I wanted to make sure I told her all I knew! Once the race get’s going you just have to remember this mantra, “Don’t Touch Me, Don’t Touch Me, Don’t Touch Me!” You need room to run your race, swing your arms. No place for touchy feely crap! But it never fails, someone always bumps into you and throws you off into a different direction! I remember she stayed by me until I could see that she wanted to run ahead. I said, “Go girl, run your own race!”

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We are all in the race of life. The way I see it, we are running home to God. It’s not that we’re competing with each other to get there, we’ll all get there, it’s more like we’re competing with ourselves to finish the best we can!

Some just finish sooner than others…

Sylvia, being the Lion that she was, finished her race before the rest of us. She did not take the Don’t Touch Me to heart, because she touched us all, and we are changed.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us. ~ Hebrews 12:1

 

Surrender!!

It sounds so easy doesn’t it. I’ve been thinking about surrender lately and wanted to share some thoughts.

Surrender – to yield (something) to the possession or power of another.

The definition also has these words: to give (oneself) up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

I have to confess, I have been thinking more about surrender than actually surrendering. It’s like a case study or some other excuse I can come up with.

I travel 30 miles everyday to work and another 30 for the ride home. During this time I pray, listen to God, sing, and think. With all that usually comes tears but it’s just me and the road, and the road don’t care! This drive time is where I get a lot of questions that usually begin with Why coming to the surface for me. That’s when it happened… I was asking why didn’t Sylvia come spend the weekend with us instead of driving to DFW. It was the last 5 minutes of Dr. David Jeremiah’s program, and I heard. “So when I come to times in my life where I just don’t see anyway out, I step back and I remember what I know.” I was intrigued, I was spell bound, I was wondering how Dr. David Jeremiah knew what I needed to hear!

So what do I know? I know Jesus, I know love, I know that I’m not alone, I know that I’ve been through hard places before, and that God hasn’t failed me yet. Then I heard the good Dr. say, “So I remember that what I know is more important than what I can’t figure out.”

I just sat there, driving down the road at 77 mph, with my mouth hanging open, tears coming down my cheeks, and I remembered that I am God’s Beloved. What I know is more important than what I can’t figure out. I sense God calling me to surrender, to Him and His way of doing things, within me.

So in the process of working through this morning/grief there is freedom in surrender. Surrender to tears, you will feel better! Surrender your seat in the waiting room or your spot in line, you will feel better! Surrender to God what is His and remember that what you know is more important that what you can’t figure out!

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